the night is wearing on...early...late...to me it's early..but then I'm not atayin' so it could be late...I had a thought about Butch...just a quick one...he has canceled his trip home...alot of things have gone down this week and not all of it good...as I was staring a hole in my ceilin the other night I discovered I had a very deep and very real resentment towards Butch....can I forgive him and still hold resentment?...I'm not sure...but the resentment does not stem from long-ago wrongs...it comes from.."I'm comein home, be at the ready to do my will"...that sort of thinkin'...cancel your plans Shirley...the Butch is going to grace you with his visit...I thought about that all night and wondered...why in the hell does HIS plans supercede mine?...why would I have to drop everything just so I can be his wheel man?...so...to add insult to injury..his demanding...but it all came unglued and I didn't have to do nothin' ...he won't be here and I am glad...I don't feel like dealin' with him...he can't seem to figure out why the children he abandoned 25 years ago aren't breakin the bit to see him...damn odd he thinks...after all ...he is the dad...I call him the sperm donor...cause thats about all he amounted to in my life...and theirs...
now about things around here...I'm not gonna say nothin'...I have learned a lesson...the hard way...but not at the cost of nothin' other than my pride...so that's not shit in the scheme of things...silly girl...won't happen again...not like that..nope...nada..silly, silly girl...
Bill is doin' better...we went to a small town north of here and picked up his truck yesterday...I got to drive his new truck home
..drives like a dream...he bought me lunch...today I went out to see him and we went to check on the cows and ound a dead calf..I felt sorry for him..he sat there for the longest and worried why he didn't know ahead of time so maybe he could have saved it...I think it was still-born and nothin would have saved it...but it was hard for him..he takes stuff like that so personal...he gave me a bunch of his old shirts today ...I wear them in winter..nice soft fannel and so roomy..
speakin of roomy...I lost ten pounds last month and am very happy about that...I weigh more than I would like..150...but I plan on takin off 10 more pounds and then I will feel alot better about myself...middle age has a way of addin the weight to you and its hard to get off...never had a weight problem in my life and now I feel like I can't shed a pound
I took the whole month of September for myself...the whole month I celebrated my birthday...I enjoyed it very much...I think thats why I lost the weight...I ran "hog wild" all month...
might be wine time...maybe..maybe not...
Cracker
